Liberation

The sun shone down on the city, but heavy clouds blocked its blazing, purifing rays. Small weak light escaped through the smog into the streets, filling the air with a drab yellow light so pitiful that if the people had stopped their busy rushing to notice, their hearts would have frozen in fear. Sophie sat with her back against the wall on the course white carpet, stretched in the tiny block of light that came in through the window, craning her head to find the sun. The room was empty except for a closet rack, a tussled bed in the opposite corner and the torn top half of last year's calendar taped to the wall above Sophie; a picture of a field with daffodils stretching away under a bright blue sky, two beautiful black horses in its center, their tails streaming in a soft breeze. A door next to the bed led into the kitchen, which followed into the crisp bright den, adjoining which was Schuyler's bedroom.

Sophie stood up, looking around the room for a suitable place to sit and think. It is so small and plain... and there is no use at all trying to think out there, she looked towards the door to the kitchen. She finally settled on her bed, she always did, there was no where else, but she had to give herself at least the pretention of a choice. Pulling the covers over her head, she went though it in her mind.

Will you meet me at the Deli for lunch? Miranda hadn't stopped tapping her bright orange nails across the keyboard. Would you, please? Alright honey, she had said. No matter that she is younger than me. Then she was half an hour late and I had to wait alone. It would have been fine, but the waiter needed more tables and he kept eyeing mine, four seater booth, one person in it. I don't blame him. I wish Miranda had gotten there earlier. I don't know why I did it now. Now it's back to the beginning almost. But I don't know anyone else. There are plenty of other nice people at work I see everyday. They know that I am the web designer and computer technician for H & H Insurance, they know that I live with my sophisticated older brother, they know I like roast beef sandwhiches and daffodils, but they don't even look into my eyes. Miranda doesn't like me, but she knows. She saw me at the corner that time, in the rain, when I cried and asked her to take me home with her. I think she did it because she was scared, but that's probably also why she pretends like it never happened, now. Why is it that everyone is afraid? Everyone but Schuyler. Even when Miranda came back to the apartment with me and said that she was appalled and told him that she would ask me to stay with her if he didn't help me, he just said "I've tried to help her so many times, but she won't listen, all she will say is that I'm terrible and I trap her" "It's hard, Miranda, it hurts so much to live with someone with Sophie's problems..."

Now she believes that I have special problems; that I can't help the lies I tell, that I have an awful attitude towards the loving benevolence of my brother. I'm just Honey to her. But she was the only one. The little deli had been crowded, and Miranda's stiff dark green eyes had made Sophie want to run. "Miranda, I am going to leave. I can't stand Schuyler. He literally traps me in the apartment, all alone sometimes. He takes things away from me if I want to leave, and he always tells me that he hates me." Miranda sighed and asked if this is why she was supposed to come. I could have cried. "Miranda I'm leaving, I'm not crazy, it's Schuyler that is crazy. He thinks he can do whatever he can, but he can't! Can he, Miranda? He does do whatever he wants, that is why I have to go. I have to find out if I can change it. If I go and make it, then I'll know I'm not crazy." "Look honey," she had said, "I am all for finding yourself, but in your... condition, you can't make those kinds of desicions on your own. You have to trust Schuyler, he wants to do the best for you. Now, if you think about it, don't you think that you are just making up the things about him, dear? You can be honest with me, I'm here for you sweetie, it's all going to be okay, just let go of this and let us help you tell the truth." She said it like she was bored of playing a petty game. "You think that just because he is rich and suave and has a good job that he is right and I am wrong? I know I'm right," I said. "I wish you believed me Miranda, but I can't wait around for that." I don't know what I really thought. I left the shop. Miranda did her best at having a concerned face, but I'm sure she was mentally making plans for how to spend her Saturday.

Now what do I do? Why did I think that somehow Miranda would believe me? I only have an hour before he comes home, and ten minutes or so before Miranda calls. Sophie slowly sat up and pulled the blankets off. Quietly and carefully she put on a jacket, left the small apartment and got into her car. The only place to go is Grandma's. Hopefully... No. I can't think now, I just have to go.

Through Sophie's rolled down window, the hot air and smell of exhaust blew in. The traffic was thick around her car. Red glowing brake lights reflecting off the dust in the air. The leather behind her was getting hotter, and the occasional irritable driver's honking was making her head hurt. She creeped along until there was no moving. She felt sticky, and her hand made a smear on the rearview mirror as she adjusted it. The seat was uncomfortable, she was itchy, the exhaust made her eyes tear; she couldn't find a way to keep still. Sophie pulled off her jacket and laid it carefully down on the seat next to her. Mom's jacket. I really shouldn't start thinking about her. I have to do this with the only thing I have now, and that's me. I can't wish for things. The traffic is already bad enough. Is everything against me? Please go!

Finally the flow of cars was flowing again. Sophie turned onto the highway. A very slight smile escaped to her lips. As she crossed the bridge, the water on either side brought up cool air into the car. It wasn't so hot, now that she had been able to feel the wind for a while, and she rolled up the window. She patted the red jacket next to her. I love you mom, I love you dad. I miss you. She frantically blocked all images of their plane crash that rose to the surface of her mind. I am going to Grandma's. Hopefully they don't still resent me for moving to the city instead of Schuyler and I staying there with them after you were gone. I know it hurt them. If only I knew then. I just hope that they don't hate me too much, at least I might be able to stay with them for a while. Glancing in the mirror, she saw a black jaguar glinting a few cars behind her in the other lane.

Schuyler.

Her hands felt large and clammy and clumsy on the wheel and she sat up stiffly in her seat as her heart sank.

She checked her mirror constantly to see if he was making a move to get closer. Is there any possible reason he would be out on the highway besides to find me? How did he know where I would be going? I didn't even tell Miranda. Why does he have to do this to me? Why can't he leave me alone?! All her senses buzzed as she watched the car pass into her lane, three cars behind her. The sun reflected off of the black car, winking at Sophie with its wide grill shining in a sinister smile. I don't know what I will do when he gets up to me. What will he try to do? She tried to think of a plan of escape, attack, anything. She needed a plan, but her mind was frozen. The single car between Sophie and her pursuer turned into the adjoining lane. It's over, then. Why did I think I could do this? What if it's not real, what if Miranda is right. He is going to be furious. What will I do? Tears of frustration burned down her cheeks as the jaguar pulled up beside her. She looked straight ahead, not daring to look aside into the piercing gaze she could feel against her.

With her face drawn into a grimace, her last stand against it all, she turned tightly to the car next to her and stared with hopeless, deathly eyes into the darkly-tinted windows, just barely making out the frizzy puff of hair and slouched shoulders belonging to an elderly woman. She looked again and found the same old woman sitting in the car, straining to see past the wheel. Sophie fell back against the leather seat and gasped, laughing.

After a while, the various cars and trucks turned off on their varying paths and Sophie's car was one of the few on the road. Houses were more sparse now, and trees filled in the rest. The sun was bright in the blue sky. She passed little cottages with abundant flower beds, fields of choppy grass with cows laying in patches of cool shade, horses twitching away flies as they ate, and the earth began to wave up and down in hills, displaying the scenery anew over each height crested. She breathed it all in and relieved her brain, drinking in everything with no thought, just looking and smiling and resting.

When she found herself in the yard of her grandparents, she was shaking as she stepped out of the car, and felt very weak, having to shut the door a few times before it would close properly. Standing in front of the door, she looked around for a moment. The porch was large and curved around the edges of the old building. Some wooden furniture sat on it, with flower baskets hanging off the sides of the porch railing. The door in front of her was solid wood, glowing golden in the afternoon sun. A little wreath on the door had a small painted sign attached to it that read "Enter, Friend!" She could hear a radio broadcast, to her left just inside was the kitchen and her Grandparents were probably having a nice late lunch. She looked behind her at the long fields of corn and grass and the barn. The horses were in their stables, and they nickered to one another. Sophie turned back, the door beckoning her to enter again.

She knocked with firm resolve, and the door was opened by a kind smiling face. Grandma. "Sophie! Harold, come look, it's little Sophie!" Before Sophie had a chance to explain herself, she was squashed between hugs, licked thoroughly by Millie and Dasher, the tiny dachshunds, and set down to a robust and tasty bowl of stew, with sandwiches, and lemonade, and corn, and crackers with cheese, and an apple and "are you sure you don't need anything else?"

Sophie ate slowly and timidly, collecting her thoughts. When she was done, she explained why she had come and what life had been like ever since her parents died and Schuyler made her official guardian. She told about her job as a computer technician, about the people she worked with, about her favorite restaurant, about her neighbor with the great dane, about her intense loneliness, about Schuyler's mind games, about his recklessness, about her grandparent's hurt and anger at her choice of the city, about her tears and worries during it all; everything that had been in her mind was now floating around in the country kitchen, the good things and the bad things.

The sun set long before the happy party of three finished talking. Sophie finally decided to go to bed, thrilled that she could stay. As she and her grandma left to head upstairs to her new room, Grandpa called out to her, "Sophie, you don't need to worry about a thing anymore. If Schuyler decides he wants you to return to the apartment, he will have to talk to me about that, because I believe you, and you will stay here as long as you like." His face was solemn and Sophie ran and hugged him. He grinned, and Sophie felt light and happy and all she could think of was heading out to the stables in the morning, in the bright warm sunshine.

When I am with You

When your eyes honor my beauty
And your movements accede my mien,
When sunlight proves your virtue
And flashes in between
Your lips and lashes,

When you laugh in the candlelight
And your heart declares itself,
Or travel foggy mosses
With I, your guiding Elf
Of Elms and Ashes,
Then.

Then,
I find the world a wonder.
Wand'ring farther, fonder
Of the mysteries,
When I am with you.

Sky Ballad

She lifted her elbow off of the car door and pointed out the window, "Look at the sunset." He slowed the car and pulled down his sunglasses, looking out. "Amazing." Stale heat rose from the asphalt, bringing the smell of exhaust into the stalling car. She turned to her husband, cheeks flushed from the baking road, eyes dark and rich in the last light, "I have an idea," she said, her freckles moving with every word, like the changing constellations of the night sky, "let's stop at the park up the road and watch the sun set."

He smiled, placing his sunglasses on the dashboard and turned into the next lane.

The car was compact, but the inhabitants slim, and the wind had plenty of room to roam between. She rested her head on her hand, watching the sun out the open window with eyes half-closed.

The cool moving air blew back her curls, brushing them back and forth against her neck. Her bare arms glowed orange in the light.

Strips of neon and white flashed continuously over the sleek blue car and in her eyes as they passed hotels and chlorine-scented pools, clubs with music mutely throbbing from within, and restaurants with hot food and clattering silverware.

They sat on a bench near a playground from where they could see the canyon. She took off her sandals to feel the warm sand. The sky was bright orange fading to pink and purple with the shimmering sun in the center, above the dark blue crevasses of shade in the Grand Canyon. "Well I guess we're married now," he said. They laughed, pondering the reality of the wedding that morning.

She squinted at the canyon, wondering how far down it went. They would know tomorrow, at least. "I can't wait for the tours," She said. He nodded as the sun touched the edge of the earth. A breeze flew up from the canyon, laying its cold hands on them and running past, setting the see-saws and swings behind them off into a chorus of merry creaking. He looked at his wife. She was sitting there, intensely alive.

With him.

His.

He felt like a great philosopher who has traveled many days, about to receive the answer to a profound mystery, knowing that with it will come even more mysteries and adventures.

His breath came strong.

His heart seemed to him as enduring and warm as a lion's, as if it were drawing in all the heat from the sun. The farther the bright circle fell behind the earth, the more he was filled with it. He sat silently soaking in the warmth as the sunset grew more brilliant red as it was cut by the blue horizon.

The bench was hard and he thought of the room at the hotel waiting. In his mind he wanted to draw all the light away until the sun was gone, that she would turn away and look at him. He sat firmer in his seat, waiting for the sun to be extinguished.

"I wish this could last forever," she said. The sun was only a bright line on the dark horizon, now. He hugged her and told her that it would. She knew he mistook her meaning, but leaned her head against him and smiled.

The sun was gone.
The wind ceased and the playground was silent.

She felt cold. The canyon sat in front of them; huge and cool and dark. She wanted to sit in a swing, and for the sun to come back and warm her, and spread its light into the canyon.

"Are you ready?" he asked, standing.

Her heart began beating fast and her mind was pricked with confusion. She looked back at the car and and the playground in the dusk behind her. Fear passionately attacked her, and the world began to ring in her ears. Turning around again to face the sunless sky, she saw the moon and her heart cast out its anchor of desire.

"Oh. I'd really like to stay and see all the stars come out."

He sat down rigidly, but his mood evolved to a pool of love and forgetfulness of self within minutes.

The breeze came again, and there was one star, then two.

Everything was dark, now, the sky, the sand, the canyon, her husband's eyes; all deep dark, all reflecting the same bright stars. The world was right again. Her heart calmed, and muted waves of hope washed over her until she was soaked, the joy overflowing in her eyes.

He kissed her freckles under the moon as they left.

Astrophel and Dysis

This hour I tell to thee the tale of Astrophel and Dysis,
Now King and Queen of our fair land; once lost in vague abyss
Till our Creator knit their forms in warmest womb and breathed
Into them life, whilst the yonder earth then in great sorrow seethed,

For wicked men did roam her fields, with naught in mind but gain.
So our dear earth hid the secret, by shrouding all in rain,
That the two destined to commence wrong’s great fall and reign of right,
Two new souls made for higher things, were to be born that night.

In the stone castle on the hill, the hill of wind blown grass,
Was born the shining Astrophel with sweet cries, but oh alas
His once fair, vibrant mother heard not his resounding pleas
She had found her way out of this world, leaving a decree

That the child was to be cared for by her faithful servant, Laithe.
But cruelly, there within her heart was lodged a barb of hate
For beautiful was Astrophel, as had been his mother
And on this fresh night of his birth Laithe said, "He’ll see no other!"

Knowing well that her young charge would ever love the darkness,
For ‘twas at night first he felt love in mother’s last cold kiss.
Laithe was jealous, only she would own center of his dreams.
His attentions, would he to no other give. Though extreme,

Her plan began and Astrophel was introduced to Day.
Soon he never slept while sun was up, nor woke in sun’s away.
He knew not of the color black and gloried in sunshine.
His warm bright days flowed merrily along in such a line,

Until his warm skin gleamed golden, his soft hair was pure as light,
His dark eyes flickered with hot fire. He grew in strength and height.
Before long Astrophel turned rich and robust as an ox.
From his hunting all the day he became like a quick, lithe fox.

He owned a lance and bore it well. Vain Laithe, of him, was proud
And content as long as no one spoke of things ‘not allowed.’
So dear Astrophel continued in his vivid, brazen way,
Never knowing the sting of fear in the sun’s lambent rays.

But now there was another born on that one rainy night.
We travel now to the bleak place where for life a small girl fights.
A blackened cave, haunted by a lone maiden dead to view,
Sightless, white, searching marble eyes pierce the dread dark anew.

By fictive accusations, torn from her love and left to death,
Now screaming to the silence, sighs with pain filled, heavy breaths
As into the world another she brings, stained with disgrace.
Her tender tears caress the babe. She strokes its tiny face.

Unseeing eyes turn their pale orbs towards ones of brightest blue.
With cracked bleeding lips she whispered, "Dysis I shall call you."
So thus began the dismal life of one thou might call accursed.
In eternal darkness there, witha stream to quench their thirst

And florescent mushrooms casting glows only Dysis saw,
Lived the blind maid and her daughter, a life worn ragged and raw.
The sun’s gentle fingers never reached eyes blind or sighted,
Nor was ever moon and heavens glimpsed, and so benighted

Was poor Dysis in mind and soul, though her blue eyes grew large and
Lovely, how graceful was her step and steady was her hand
With which she her mother guided to safe paths through the grey,
Who in turn told lavish stories of the world beyond; of day

And of the light and sun that she had seen when she was young.
She taught her small child ancient songs to sing and them they sung.
So Dysis grew in such this way; having only weakest light
From mushrooms, wond’ring of this ‘Sun’, and letting dreams take flight.

Of late had Astrophel been known to wander out too far
This was troubling Laithe, therefore she commanded, "When the great star
Touches yon horizon, thou must return or meet my wrath!"
Astrophel heeded Laithe in form, but inwardly he laughed,

"What strange foe does roam the earth that even I might not subdue?"
For he was master of the spear. Beasts feared him, it was true,
And there without concern he felt the thought fall from his mind.
Next day in the morning frost, he left the castle, unconfined

While hidden in the frozen earth, Dysis awoke in woe.
How long she had lain shivering in fear, she did not know--
But keenly was aware that the black prevailed; she could not see.
The mushrooms gone, as was their glow. She thought, "Where can it be?

The light whereby my eyes knew things before hands felt the way?
The Dark has hurt mother and my lights and taken them away!"
Disease had snuffed her mushrooms, but this she was naïve of.
Thus, Dysis began searching for the ones she dearly loved.

[to be continued]

Maitresse Iniquity

in the bright light
her dress sparkles red
every slight move
utters things unsaid

in the hot air
her eyes flash hollow
all deceiving
she beckons, 'follow.'

a still moment
while you read her face
it's all too clear,
but you're blind in haste

truth set aside,
she pleases your ears
with poison tongue
mocking Shame's tears

faintly aware
the dance is now done
misleading smile
yet you linger on

no need for you
she moves to new game
stole you in sport
left you numb and lame

in the bright light
all saw what was true
every slight move
boldly warning you.

Pluvia [Rain]

In that small moment,
Resting safely in time,
When I first saw you
And your eyes met mine,
My soul cried with joy
Upon finding its lost half.
Then your smile, so coy,
Made my heart laugh
For it knew what it had found
Though it could hardly comprehend
The enormity of it all
As I passed you in the wind.
The two people that we are
Had raced out in between,
But our bodies were slow
To let elation be seen.
And yet, we both knew
All this and more
Our whole selves simply smiling
While over us the rain did pour...

And suddenly,
I wasn't alone anymore.